Confessions of a Drunken Fool
Things you shouldn't do when pissed:
For real. You can't make this shit up, people.
- Fill out your vote for the Federal Election
- Dance. In a bar where there is no dance floor and very little music
- Especially not dance on your (slightly rickety) table
- Tell the bartender that he reminds you of Burt Reynolds. In Boogie Nights
- Confess to your mate that you slept with a mutual friend. Whose girlfriend just happens to be your confessee's really good mate
- Attempt to catch a public bus home
- When you discover you're on the wrong bus, demand that the driver changes his route to take you home
- Make yourself toast when you get home, then decide to "eat" it in bed
- Use said toast as a pillow
Telephone conversation on Original Mel's mobile phone, with one of her bestest mates... back in Australia. It is 11pm London time, 10am Sydney time. Bestest mate is at work, and Original Mel is rambling.Test messages which should not be sent when drunk:
Bestest mate: So do you remember my mate Lex?
Original Mel: Lex... was she the red head? Thought of herself as a Julia Roberts, looked more like the Weasley twins?
Bestest mate: Well, yeah she's a redhead, but the Weasley twins...
Original Mel: Oh yeah, I remember her! She was the vacuous whore at Tim's party who had the opinion of whoever she was talking to. I remember Tim nicknamed her "the sock puppet" - stick your hand up her and she talks! Pretty sure Tim's flatmate stuck something else up her that night. Although, as I said,vacuous whore.
Bestest mate: Lengthy silence
Original Mel: Anyway, why do you ask?
Bestest mate: Uh... We've been dating since just after you left. I moved in with her on the weekend... I thought you of all people should know.
Original Mel: ... I meant vacuous whore in a nice way ...
Text message to the new boy
In my drunken state the other morning I left my top at your place. Should I come over tomorrow night and collect it? And by "collect" I obviously mean put it on the next morning when we stop having sex
Response received not long after
Call me when you get home. We obviously need to talk, young lady. Mum.
For real. You can't make this shit up, people.
8 reddit:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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That is THE funniest post ever!
Oh Mel, I am pissing myself laughing. Very funny.
How's your Mum?
I mentioned a long time ago that I hope you are compiling all this for a book....
If you are lying and you do make it up its comedy genious. Can I borrow these storylines if I ever make a TV show?
AND WHAT DID MUM SAY WHEN YOU CALLED?
Fark that is hilarious!!!
I'm a G-e-n-i-u-s
Mum is... somehow still convinced that her 26 year old adughter is a virgin. Bless.
But let's just say it was an interesting conversation. Mainly along teh lines of men don't respect women who demand sex frmo them and at least tell me you're using contraception, etc etc.
And no, GT, one day I will find the time to write my OWN tv show - about a slightly accident prone 26 year old girl whose lief is like a spectacular car crash and yet she is still generally a happy person.
I'm not sure what was funnier - Lexgate or the mum text message. Heh.
And toast pillows are never a good idea. Vegemite-and-butter masques really don't do much for one's complexion.
The text message is pure gold mate.
And as for vegemite in bed, it looks way too much like skid marks if you drop the toast.
I lol'd.. That was amazing.
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