I've Not Changed a Bit

Since I have returned to Sydney on my mini-holiday, I keep getting told how much I've changed. By friends, relatives, randoms... it seems all people want to do is tell me how changed I am since last they saw me.

And I think it's bollocks.

I have not changed. I have tanned. I have blonde hair again. I have more trashy stories. But I've not changed at all. And I can prove it.

I have decided whilst in Sydney to embark on a healthy living plan. I have cut back on the drinking, I have quit smoking, I am eating more healthily. And in addition, I have started a regime of exercise. This regime involves walking the dog, swimming laps at the local pool and, starting yesterday, jogging. Or that was the plan.

Since I haven't jogged in ages, I felt it was best to take someone else to set the pace for me. Someone who can run for hours without stopping. Someone who needs the exercise. Someone like my parents' dog. It was a seemingly brilliant plan. I harness the dog, get her out of the house and then jog around the suburb with her at my side, exercising us both and tiring the dog out for the evening. It doesn't take much, after all. Did I mention the dog is a chihuahua cross?

So I did. I found my sneakers, put on appropriate clothes and set my iPod playlist to up tempo songs. It all went swimmingly well. At least, for about 20 minutes.

That was when the dog decided she was a bit over this jogging thing. And what she'd prefer to do is sniff the grass verges we were jogging alongside. However, she decided to d this in a rather sudden manner - by stopping directly in front of me.

In order to avoid the dog I did the only thing one could in the circumstances. I tried to stop and leap over her mid-jog. Sadly, however, I am not a Russian ballerina. And thus what in any stage performance would have been a beautiful move of athletic precision, turned into me KO'ing myself on the footpath of a major Sydney arterial road.

See, my friends think I've changed. But I know that it's always been the same. If anyone is going to make a dick of themself in front of several hundred holiday motorists by tripping over a chihuahua, it was always going to be me.

Let's Get One Thing Straight

Yes, it's very nice being home. Even if it is for six weeks. And I'm broke. And working back in the evil corporate world of lawyers and their underlings. And all my friends having settled down and got real jobs and steady aprtners. Despite all that, it's still nice.

However, before we continue with this conversation (monologue?) let me get one thing straight. On the record, for once and for all, etc.

I have no plan.

Please do not ask me how long I plan to stay overseas. Because I don't know. Please don't ask me when I will settle down and get a real job. Because I don't know. Please don't ask how long I think my liver can sustain the punishing I give it on every tour. Because I don't know. Please don't ask how my alleged boy in London is. Because I don't know. Please don't ask whether there is any future there. Because I don't know. Please don't ask me when I plan on moving back to Sydney. Because I don't know.

Are we seeing a pattern emerge?

I have no plan whatsoever. Nor do I have an idea, a concept or a vague outline. My life is a blank slate (except for my imminent travels to San Francisco and New York in February en route back to London). Yes, I do find that terrifying sometimes. But most of the time I just try not to think about the future. At all. At least, not beyond what I''m doing this weekend.

As long as we have that straight, I am happy to continue this conversation. Just don't ask about my plan. Because the only plan I will then have it to punch you in the mouth. No jokes.

Strange But True

It's very strange being back in your home country BUT on the opposite side. I am currently in Perth, where everything SEEMS the same as Sydney (except, obviously, the size, the vibe and the number of people) but is all a little unfamiliar. And yet it's still my home country.

However, in teh last 3 days, whilst I have been sleeping in and drinking too much bogan-esque beer, I have come to realise I missed the following things that I had forgotten about:-

• Cottees Lime Coola Cordial
• Carlton Draught and VB
• Drive through bottle shops (especially those that provide me with cartons of Carlton Draught)
• Supermarket checkout chikcs putting stuff in the bag for you
• the Aussie inflection of sentences where everything sounds like a question)
• The fact that the answer to any question asked of an Aussie is "oh yeah", even if you ask something stupid
• Beaches allowing you to topless sun bathe even if they aren't nudist beaches
• Cars driving on the left hand side - and more importantly me looking to the right every time I cross the road means I won't die under some heavy vehicle
• The general sunny attitude of everyone in this fair country

That's all. I return to the lovely Sydney this Sunday, and will probably cry when the aeroplane lands. And then again when my best friend picks me up even though she doesn't know who she is collecting. And then again when I surprise my mum at home. Awesome.