Unemployment Blues

Being unemployed sucks sometimes. Everyone else is at work, so there's no one to hang out with. You've got no money so you can't go out and do anything that requires funds of any sort at all. You're expected to cook and clean for your family.

But the worst part is, you can't afford a car. And therefore it takes you an hour to get to the beach by public transport. An hour, people.

I think The Australian government needs to implement a new housing relocation scheme. All unemployed people are moved into houses by the beach on weekdays, so they can actually enjoy it. Employed people have no time for the beach on weekdays, and yet they are the ones who live there. So they are shipped back in on the weekends when they can use the beach, and those who are unemployed have mates to hang out with again.

I think this is the platform that Kevin 07 should introduce for the new year. Forget budgets and deficits. Unemployed relocation to beaches.

Alcohol Control Gone Mad

I was at a pub in the city the other day, catching up with some mates. As I am currently on the world's most hardcore detox, I was drinking water. I am a party ANIMAL! The rest of my mates were drinking beer.

At one point, my mate from Germany went to the toilet. Since she was going past the bar, I asked her to grab me another glass of water on her way back. Two birds, one stone, etc.

When she got back she was empty handed. I just assumed she had forgotten the water. But no. She had been refused service at the bar because she didn't have her ID on her.

She turns 30 next week.

Is this the new method of preventing binge drinking in NSW? Cause Lord knows how crazy people get when they drink too much water.

The Anti-Feminist

I was at a dinner the other night with a group of my (female) friends.  Since everyone I know has either got partnered up, married or caught children since I left Australia, the talk soon turned to child rearing.  As in, if we had kids how we would raise them.  And I managed to go from all-round-pal t social soiree outsider in the space of one sentence.

I admitted that, should I ever have children, I would like to be a stay at home mum.

I have never been so quickly cast from a group in my life.  Not even when I told a movie nerd mate that I hate Pulp Fiction.  Not even when I admitted to a tv producer friend that my favourite tv show was Temptation Island.  Not even when I asked my friend's mother (who happens to run alcohol rehab for the state of Queensland) if she wanted some of the straight vodka we were drinking.

Apparently, by voicing my desire to become a stay at home mum, I have dissed the feminist cause.  There were many cries of "what did our foremothers fight for if you plan on abandoning your degrees to bring up kids?" and "why don't you just quit your job as soon as you get married like my grandmother did?".  But mainly, I was accused of being an Anti-Feminist.

Since when did feminism get so single minded?  I pride myself on being a feminist, but I thought the idea of feminism was equal rights.  As in the right to choose.  No longer did women have to be shackled to their place in the home, we could go out, get careers, do what we wanted to instead of being forced into a lifestyle many did not choose.  The main point of feminism though, I thought, was choice.  

Somewhere along the line though, this appears to have changed, at least amongst my friends, into the point of feminism being that women have to go out, get degrees, and careers, and eschew any "traditional" roles for women, including the raising and care of children.  In voicing my choice I was reverting back to stereotypical female/male roles and therefore didn't believe in equality.

When did this happen?  Why is it that by voicing what my choice would be did I become an outcast?  It goes further though - these are the same people give me grief every time I confirm that I don't want to be a lawyer any more.  Just because I have decided that the whole "must have career" lifestyle isn't for me, I am out.

I was reading a book recently which had a very poignant line in it (for me at least).  I can't recall it exactly but the essence was "I wonder if women knew that by fighting for equality they would actually get the worst of both worlds - expectations abound to have not only a career, but also a family, and there are still only 24 hours in the day".  More than ever at that dinner it struck a chord with me.

I'm not saying that I think we should revert back to the bad old days where women couldn't vote, were expected to be baby-making / house cleaning machines.  But where has the idea of equality gone?  Or choice?

Ad I'm not a fucking anti-feminist, thank you.  Bah!

Gay As Christmas

I went to the opening of the Sydney Festival on Saturday night.

I saw something which made me cringe. Actually, worse than that. It made me embarrassed to be from Sydney.

It's called the Sydney Dance.

Sadly I cannot find it on YouTube. And I'm having trouble working out how to describe it.

It has moves which were variously described as "Hi There! Hi There!" and "Pick The Apples!" and my favourite, "Hair Flick".

It lasts for 45 seconds. But the memories burn forever, a bit like a bad STD.

Seriously Sydney, why do we sometimes try too hard? We're cool. We don't need to be such knobs. Melbourne may have a shuffle - we really don't need to have the world's gayest dance to try and compete.

So embarrassed.


POSTSCRIPT: Just found it. Oh dear Lord. Learn it here.

How to Make An Australian Movie*

TAKE 1 typical "Australian" location

E.g: The Kimberlies, Great Barrier Reef, Sydney (only as long as you get lots of shots of the harbour bridge and opera house), Uluru, Daintree Rainforest

ADD 1 insipid female star with a vaguely Aussie accent - accent must be sufficiently American-ised or Engli-cised though in order to prevent international viewers from feeling they don't have a part in the movie

Note: in a pinch, Kylie Minogue will do, despite her lack of any acting talent (see The Delinquents / 1980s Neighbours for clarification)

ADD 1 big name action movie star as male lead, preferably Australian

Note: it is not important if they actually are Australian, so long as people think they are. New Zealand, English, Canadian actors will do so long as they at least have visited Australia and can do a passable accent

MIX one "indigenous" child, preferably that can be described as "enchanting"

Note: if more than one indigenous child is required, it is not necessary to actually find indigenous children. Children with Greek, Italian, Islander or similar heritage will be fine. It would be un-PC to mention their heritage anyway, so noone will.

INCLUDE every Australian actor you can get your hands on

Bill Hunter? Check

Brian Brown? Check

David Wenham? Check

Jack Thompson? Check

Charles 'Bud' Tingwell? Negative

David Gulpilil? Check

Ben Mendelsohn? Check

Barry Otto? Check

John Jarrat? Check

ENSURE to have as many extraneous shots of sweeping countryside as possible

Note: it is not important that the movie is filmed in the same location as it is set, so long as people THINK it is. Any desert scenes can be said to be, for example, in the Northern Territory, but can actually be filmed in Queensland to save our time going there. Any bush scenes can be filmed in Sydney's northern suburbs so we don't have to leave home.

TAKE the story from a great movie classic (e.g. Gone With The Wind) and tweak it so it fits into an Australian context

CHANGE the ending so it is happy

Note: not just happy. Try so sugary, sweetly happy it gives you a toothache.

SET the film in a period where everyone can wear fantastic clothes (whether or not they would have is another matter)

E.g: the 1920s for flapper girls, the 1940s for women in gloves and hats, the 1960s for hippies, etc

WATCH as the millions roll in from overseas

LAUGH at the fact that you've actually just created a huge piece of drivel, which cost millions and fuels racial stereotypes about Australians.

* Baz Luhrman style

Just Pretend

So imagine that just before you left your new home for a 5 month "holiday", you met a guy.  You had this really intense *insert word other than relationship* for the 3 weeks prior to your leaving.  So much so that you've shortened your holiday down to 3 months.

Then imagine that, very suddenly, without warning, your email correspondence (whilst you were overseas, traveling, perhaps in somewhere like Africa or something) went from an email every couple of days to nothing.  As in zero - no email, no Facebook, no nothing.  And you know the other person isn't dead because they are active on Facebook (not that you would stalk them or anything - just making sure they've not been kidnapped by international terrorists or aliens).

Then, after six weeks of NOTHING (oh, and maybe your friends subtly trying to find out where he is as they are still back there) you get an email.  It doesn't mention their falling down a well for  weeks or being hospitalised with temporary amnesia.  Just a "hey how you doin' where you going for NYE okay have fun in Sydney bye" email.

Is it okay for me to:-

1. curse his name, and refuse to use it in conversation, referring to him instead as "the fuckwit"
2. refuse to respond to said email for 6 weeks
3. be depressed about the fact he is clearly "just not that into me" and thus is shagging everyone else in the world while I am away
4. become convinced I am going to die a lonely old spinster, surrounded by cats

In that order, as well.

Budget of a Travel-holic

Current bank balance:  AU$500

Estimated income for next 3 weeks:  AU$500

Estimated outgoings for next 3 weeks: AU$500

Upcoming trips and estimated outgoings

Melbourne (4 days)

Accommodation:  AU$free!

Food:  AU$possibly only lunches

Drinks:  AU$a fuckload

Entertainment:  AU$ditto

TOTAL:  AU$lots

Gold Coast (5 days)

Accommodation:  AU$might not be free any more, damn!

Food:  AU$do people eat on the Goldie?

Drinks:  AU$surely I can scam free ones from surfer boys

Entertainment:  AU$ditto

TOTAL:  AU$hopefully less than Melbourne

San Francisco (5 days)

Accommodation:  AU$couch surfing with a mate's sister

Food:  AU$it will be cold, I will be hungry

Drinks:  AU$will my cute accent help me score free drinks?

Entertainment:  AU$tourist attractions take VISA, don't they?

TOTAL:  AU$the Aussie dollar better shape up a bit

New York (5 days)

Accommodation:  AU$150 (I may be staying in Harlem though...)

Food:  AU$more than I could possibly imagine thanks to VISA

Drinks:  AU$seriously, does a cute accent even work any more?

Entertainment:  AU$see San Francisco

TOTAL:  AU$I'm fucked

TOTAL COST OF TRAVELS BOOKED:  AU$prostitution pays well, doesn't it?  and it's tax free...